musings on loneliness

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. -Wayne W. Dyer

Comrade V.S. Achuthandan was addressing the mass at Shankhumukham beach, Trivandrum ,when I was composing this post. It was a historic moment indeed.But I`m interested in a different issue today.The issue is nothing but loneliness. Most probably, this could be the most serious issue the mankind has ever gone through.Can you remain unfazed in the most difficult times? Can you face the whole turbulence without looking for a hand?

There are thousand and one stories written about man`s survival and the presence of mind in the most difficult situation.For me, Papplilon, written by Henry Charrier was an inspiration. Marx was the political force. Osho was the spiritual clarity and above all my experience was and is the tool to face it cool.

What exactly is loneliness?

Is it a kind of fear to face oneself? Or is it a kind a social seclusion? or both?

Well, We all like to stay alone, depending upon the mood. Kushwant Singh, in his Autobiography-"Of Truth and a Little Malice", has written how he enjoyed walking alone for long. Sometimes about upto 75 miles.Sometimes the whole day! So it is highly acceptable to stay alone. Again, the time frame is the question.When some one stay alone for long, both the person and the society fear it. The person`s reason is nothing but ego.When someone is alone, there is no one to show off. There is no one to talk. The only communication possible is intra-personal. The society fears it, because loneliness re-energise a person and make him/her more powerful.The endurance gained out of loneliness is capable of toppling the whole system. It is revolutionary. Think of Moses, and Prophet Mohammed and their silence!

Well, the afore said para is all about philosophy. But you really thrown up to a deserted island in a fine morning sometimes. It often happens in relationships. As relationship is the most absurd thing the mankind has ever seen, when u get deserted, u fail to connect your philosphical clarity with the life`s fatuity.Thats why Lenin said-"Philosphy is grey,while life is green".But there is no point in leaving philosphy as it is the yatch to cross over.There is no point in leaving the life either. Beause it is the river.The crux lies in mastering the symbiosis!

ANIKKUTTAN: A PEARL AT LARGE

It all happened about 15 years back.To be precise, in 1993. I was on my usual visits to Nilambur-the land locked forest hamlet-city of Malappuram.Nilambur is one of the places where I found real eccentrics. There always had some kind of gossips about the recently invented, upcoming artists, musicians, scientists, goondas etc in our get togethers. Once, I heard a name repeatedly and as usual I ignored.


It was a December eve, I believe. We were gathered over the music shed of Kuttan alias Kuttettan alis V.T.Mohandas. The air was filled with the smoke of pot and the odour of spirit. Pink Floyd or Roger Waters were being played in the guitar. I was popeyed at the strummings and pretended as if I can understand all about western music. Then I heard the sound of a Yezdi Road King and within seconds, a young, energetic, avant-garde guy joined in the group. He was no one else than Anikkuttan alias Kuttan alias AnilRaj.


Anikkuttan, a great friend of mine had died yesterday at an early age of 43. He had liver cirrhosis. So, the news was not quite unexpected. But knowing the news, there was an unexpected storm within myself.I was taking my wife, Jisha to the hospital for a check up and driving my car. It was Manyettan who called me and said in broken words that our Ani is no more.


Ani was a man of celebration through out. He always smelt alcohol.Most of the time, his favourite brand-Caesar grape.He could talk about almost any drink in the world with pricision.Since he had always managed an overstated, flamboyant,profuse, excessive, overdone, ornate, gaudy style and mannerism, he was widely accepted among the rural folks and the city guys alike.I was no exception. Though we fought a lot-almost in every occassions-we remained very thick.


Our acquaintance bloomed into a full fledged friedship soon and he became very close with my then girl friend and later wife, my parents and every one at home. He lured everyone and made them either his company or admirers. But never tolerated criticism. That was the point we had issues. I dropped into his home and met his lovely wife Devi and eventually we became very close. Devi was less sociable and upset over his bar-companies.


He was a passionate young man and had obvious endless passions. The list starts with riding and goes on with drinks and films and ends with spirituality. Though passionate, he never liked to speak about ladies. Never passed comments. Never entertained any sort of those stuff. And made it clear many a times that "I have only one love".


He resigned from SIDKEL-a unit of Keltron at an early age and worked with celebrated film directors like Ranjith and Shaji Kailas in 4-5 films. He could not fit himself into any typical slots. He was a businessman for sometime and later did some marketing. But never sticked on. Always rolled and thus gathered no moss.


He got very disappoint over silly issues. We often thought he was finding an excuse to drink. But he was shaken with everything. He was very attached to his mother and always expected a mother like treatment towards him.


He spent money like anything and got many urchins as company. He amazed people by taking them to five star hotels and serving them drinks.We ride together to many obscure destinations and wined and dined together for many times. He threatened me for a couple of times over his suspicion that I`m feeding his wife about his waywardness. But contrary to his behaviour, he embraced me whenever we met. Almost all our friends, irrespective of their age, got slaps and kicks according to the degree of their provocation. But I was excused.

He always made liberal remarks over poeple and made them happy. Still I remember my friend Radhika`s face when he said that she resembles Nandita Das. We were sitting near the pool of Hotel Taj, Calicut and sipping beer. Laughter was our response. But she took it very seriously.

When he dropped into my home last time, he had given back some money that he owed me some years before which I had even forgotten. He bought a black cute dress for my daughter too. Apart from that, he had four pearls with him. He handed them over to Jisha and told that "we should make four rings using it". One for me and one for jisha. The third one for Devi and the last one is for himself. Jisha had kept those four pearls inside our draw and I happened see them today.I have made up my mind to make rings using those pearls. One for me and one for Jisha.The third one for Devi. But what am I going to do with the fourth pearl?

EMOTION IS NOT EMOTICON

“They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

- Carl W. Buechner


Do we have the right to go emotional? Some may say it is the way of the featherheaded. Some may not. I belong to the latter group. If you are so deeply involved in something, you have every right to flirt with your emotions. Who wants to be a serious, non-smiling, non-emotional macho? That idea of a life sans emotions brings into my mind the picture of idiotic people. As idiotic as idiots!
It was our farewell party at the Department of MCJ, University of Calicut. It is the fifth time that I participate in a farewell party at the department. The first instace was our super senior` s party and people like Asha Konnayath were on the verge of their emotional break down. Then comes our seniors party and even Sherin Chelakkara managed well. But everyone was gloomy. Later it was Sasi Bhooshanan Sir`s party and at the end of his speech he couldn’t complete his words and just folded his palms together and repeated the words “thank you” for a couple of times. His eyes were filled with tears. So was our attender Devakyechi`s sent off party. She just said something and cried.
This time it was my turn. Almost every one started their talk with telling the audience that “I don’t have anything special to mention”. I had a nice beginning when I started off. But when I was tracing my ‘campus connection’, I lost. So I just said that “I am struggling for words” and went out of the hall thinking that ‘it is better to stop singing when you have your voice at its best’.
Intensity of the situation and ones involvement is always related. I was studying in sixth standard when my mother` s father died. Though I was very attached, I didn’t shed a drop of tear when I saw his dead body lying in our ancestral home. I didn’t cry even when my father died. But I was shattered when our dear teacher A.Soman died of cancer in an early age.
Fighting with emotion is like just like fighting with the shadow. The more you try to avoid it the more you go frantic. Cry as often as you laugh and laugh as often as you cry. Be a human being. Not rhino.

THE AGHAST NATION(AL)ISM

In a democratic country one can afford to speak anything but something against the democracy. This is a widely accepted notion among all the people of India.Here, Im going to write about the spirit of nationalism without much historical reference.

Today, I had an opportunity to hear Mr. Ajit Sahi-The Editor at large of Tehelka. He was speaking about 'Propaganda'.Many issues were discussed. Among those, he said something about Kashmir as well. It seems, he had gone to Kashmir and met people in the grassroot level and had long-long sessions with them.When he asked them about their political(?) aspirations, he had been told that they just dont want to remain in India.They dont want to join in Pakistan either.Independence-That is the lone demand.Nothing else is accepted.
All right. It is not a crime to speak up a person`s aspirations. Even in Kerala, in Calicut, I have met some intellectuals, who were so vigorously argued that Kerala should get seperate Nationhood.I dont know what right is it according to the constitution of India.But it is tolerated. The issue is different.
I dont think that crores of people sat together just before independence and met Lord Mountbatten to tell that they want to remain in India. Even now, many people living in the earstwhile Travancore prefer the 'Raja`s rule'! So nationalism is essentially a spirit in which you take care of the majorities aspirations. You try to find everything that unite you right from a language to an animal. So in a complex society like India, it is quite idiotic to expect support from every corner when you come up with a huge project like nation.Just out of luck, certain issues will immediately be discussed and solved. Certain issues will not surface at all. Certain issues are ignored as well. So as far as the state is concered, it will be illogical to wait for the consent of every citizen before their area`s induction to the map proposed.
Let us see what the state do. If it is unjust, we will fight it out. But we will never leave the state. Because it is our home.

sense of the aged and sensibility of the children

Today I was caught up in a traffic near an interior city of Calicut. Crossing the vehicles parked off in the front, I zig zaged on my bike and moved forward only to stop near a procession. I had been asked to stop. I asked whether I can go through the side. They said nope! Only then I looked closely the colour and the tune of the procession. It was all children lined up so meticulously with some parents guarding them. It was a procession of 'Balasanghom'-The children`s organisation affiliated(?) to CPM.I dont know who had formed and affiliated it! All the children had had whilte and red flags and they carried some placards as well. They jubilantly flashing their cards and flags without knowing what does it mean. Placards were carrying hi funda slogans such as -"Godmen are dangerous", "Girls are not inferiors", et cetera.

It took me back to my childhood days. Probably Balasanghom would have been the first organisation in which I was enrolled. It happened when I was 9 or 10 years old. I was asked to to go for some programmes arranged for 'children' in the nearby Manakkad Govt. School. I went with some of my friends. Some guy with beard had come and sang some songs in clumsy voice with gawky gestures. I could not enjoy it all and moreover I disliked the idea of treating me as a child. I had a kind of suffocation and some how escaped from there. Even after that incident,since my father was an ardent CPM activist, I had to reduce myself as a subject of intense pressure and attend many of the programmes many times.

CPM, as a political party has wide range of offshoots and affiliations in many areas including agricultarists and labourers. But what is the logic of building a children`s organisation? Is that to build the party? Or to catch them young? Or to rear them as communists right from the small age? Or to inculcate the prolitarean values? What nonsense? If it is not, what else is nonsense?

Had the party arranged a nice play ground for the children to play and laugh out louder, had the comrades made the arrangements to support laymen`s children financially, had they been kind enough to give the starving children atleast one square meal a day, had they allowed them to remain as children, they would have done a wonderful job. Both as communists and as human beings!

retrieving friends,avoiding friends

I was on my way to the city(Calicut) and trying to escape from the hectic traffic. Usually, I ignore the calls when I get on my bike. Not because I dont like to attend calls but because it causes great inconvenience as you have to find a place to park your bike and remove helmet and get the phone from the pocket with great difficulty. So I prefer to call back to those missed numbers when I reach somewhere.

My friend Radhika is a person who calls me regularly when I climb on my bike.It could be accidental but getting her calls during rides become almost a routine now. Well, today I got a call when I was near Commissioner`s Office and as usual, I was on my bike. For strange reasons, I stopped the bike and check the number. It was quite unknown.But I thought of taking the phone.

"Sheri-ne...." -a long call from the other end. Quite unsual sound. The next question was whetherI recognise her? Out of embarrassment, I said yes.Not one yes, I said two yes.Then immediately she asked who is she? I thought I was caught red handed. I was almost on the verge of telling her a sorry but just asked whether she is Shyni. Out of anger, She said noooooooo...! Then very honestly I pleaded her to reveal her identity.

"Dhanya is my name"-She said. I was just blank and couldnt make her face and just heard what she said. She had spoken about twenty minutes with giving all minute details. Groping in darkness, I just concluded my responses in hums.And finally she said she had revomed her uterus last month. That was a shock to me and I remembered one of the stories written by K.P.Ramanunni about a lady`s uterus removal and her sons thoughts about it. Probably Dhanya would be the first girl in our age group who removed her uterus . But she had an energetic voice and she didnt care the deal at all.Good sign and very rare to hear those positive voice.

After sometime, I was thinking, what made her to call me? We were not at all good friends. We were not studied in a class either.She was my friend`s friend`s friend.And She remembered me after long 15 years. It is indeed a time to cheer up. Just because of knowing that people are not erasing memories of togetherness, however frivolous it is.

കടലിനപ്പുറത്തെ ഓണരുചികള്‍

ഓര്‍മകളുടെ ഭാണ്ഡത്തില്‍ ഒത്തിരിയൊത്തിരി കരുതലുകളുമായാണ് നാട്ടില്‍ നിന്ന് വേരറുക്കാത്ത ഓരോരുരുത്തരും അന്യദേശങ്ങളില്‍ കഴിഞ്ഞു പോകുന്നത്.നാടിന്റെ മണമുള്ള എന്തിനെയും പൊന്നുപോലെ കാക്കും കാലം. ദശാബ്ദങ്ങളുടെ കുടിയേറ്റത്തിലൂടെ ലക്ഷങ്ങള്‍ സാന്നിധ്യം ഉറപ്പിച്ച ഗള്‍ഫ് നാടുകളില്‍ നിന്ന് വിഭിന്നമായി മലയാളികളുടെ ചെറുസംഘങ്ങള്‍ കുടിയേറിയ ചില നാടുകളും ഈ ഭൂഗോളത്തിലുണ്ട്. അതിലൊന്നാണ് മാലിദ്വീപ്. ടൂറിസവും മല്‍സ്യവ്യവസായവും പണത്തിന്റെ പുളപ്പ് പകര്‍ന്ന് നല്‍കിയ ഈ നാട്ടില്‍ കാര്യമായി രണ്ടു മേഖലയിലാണ് മലയാളി എത്തുന്നത്. അധ്യാപകവൃത്തിയും ആതുര ശൂശ്രൂഷാ രംഗവും. നവംബര്‍^ഡിസംബറിലെ അവധിക്കാലം കഴിഞ്ഞ് മാലിയില്‍ തിരിച്ചെത്തുമ്പോള്‍ ആദ്യം ചെയ്യുന്നത് നാട്ടില്‍ നിന്ന് കരുതി വെച്ച മലയാളം കലണ്ടര്‍ മുറിയിലെ ചുമരില്‍ ആണിയടിച്ചുറപ്പിക്കലാണ്. നിത്യവും പണികഴിഞ്ഞെത്തിയാലുടന്‍ ഓരോ ദിവസത്തിന്റെ ചതുര കള്ളിയിലും ചുവന്ന മഷി കൊണ്ട് വെട്ടുന്ന ഒരു സുഹൃത്തുണ്ടായിരുന്നു.മാലിയിലെ വിദൂരമായ 'കുഡാഫിരി 'എന്ന ചെറുദ്വീപില്‍ നിന്ന് തലസ്ഥാന നഗരിയില്‍ താമസിക്കുന്ന എന്നെ വിളിച്ച് 'എടാ, ഇനി 108 ദിവസം' എന്നൊക്കെ അയാള്‍ പറയുമായിരുന്നു.ദിനാന്ത്യങ്ങളില്‍ നടക്കുന്ന കൂട്ടല്‍^കിഴിക്കല്‍ അഭ്യാസത്തിനിടെ അറിയാതെ അറിയാതെയാണ് ആഘോഷങ്ങളെത്തുക. നാടിന്റേതെന്ന് പറയാവുന്ന ഒരു മത്തിപോലും മാലിയില്‍ കിട്ടില്ല. നാട്ടിലെ സാധനങ്ങളെത്തുന്ന 'ഓര്‍ക്കിഡ് മഗു' വിലെ 'ഈവനിംഗ് കഫെ'യില്‍ റിസോര്‍ട്ട് സപ്ലൈക്കുള്ള സാധനങ്ങള്‍ക്കൊപ്പം ചിലപ്പോള്‍ മാത്രം വരുന്ന കപ്പക്കും ദിനേശ് ബീഡിക്കും പിടിയും വലിയുമാണ്. ബസ്മതി അരിയുടെ ചോറും ചുവന്ന പരിപ്പും മാത്രം തീന്‍മേശയില്‍ ആവര്‍ത്തിച്ച് അരങ്ങേറുന്നതിനിടയിലാണ് അവിടെ ഓണമെത്തുക.ഇലയില്‍ ഊണും പായസവുമായി കാറ്ററിംഗുകാരുടെ സദ്യയുണ്ടെന്ന് ഞങ്ങള്‍ മാലി ടീച്ചര്‍മാര്‍ ആദ്യമേ അറിയും. ഒട്ടുമിക്കവരും ബാച്ചിലേഴ്സ് ആയതുകൊണ്ട് അവര്‍ ബുക്കിംഗും നടത്തും.ഓണം സ്വാഭാവികമായും വന്നെത്തുക ഏതെങ്കിലും പ്രവൃത്തിദിനത്തിലാകുമെന്നതിനാല്‍ വലിയ ഒരുക്കങ്ങളെക്കുറിച്ചൊന്നും ഞങ്ങളാരും ആലോചിച്ചിരുന്നില്ല. എങ്കിലും എല്ലാ തിരക്കിനിടയിലും ആഘോഷങ്ങളെ മാറ്റിവക്കാന്‍ കൂട്ടാക്കാത്ത സ്മിതയുടെ ഫോണ്‍ കോളിന് ഞങ്ങള്‍ എന്നും ചെവിയോര്‍ത്തു.സ്മിതുടെ ക്ഷണമൊത്താല്‍ പിന്നെ ഒന്നും ആലോചിക്കേണ്ടതില്ല. കോണ്‍സെന്‍ട്രേഷന്‍ ക്യാംപിനെ ഓര്‍മിപ്പിക്കുന്ന കുടുസുകളിലാണ് താരതമ്യേന മെച്ചപ്പെട്ട വേതനമുള്ളവര്‍ പോലും താമസിക്കുക. മാലിയുടെ സ്ഥലപരിമിതി തന്നെ കാരണം. ഇതെല്ലാം മറികടന്നാണ് സ്മിതയുടെ ഓണസദ്യ. ആയിടക്ക് നാട്ടില്‍ പോയി വരുന്നവരോടൊക്കെ ചേനയോ മത്തനോ കൊണ്ടുവരാന്‍ സ്മിത ഓര്‍ഡര്‍ കൊടുക്കും. അങ്ങനെ ഉത്രാടമാകുമ്പോഴേക്കും ആ കൊച്ചുമുറിയില്‍^അവിടെത്തന്നെയാണ് അവളുടെ ഭര്‍ത്താവും നാലുവയസ്സുകാരി മകളും കഴിഞ്ഞിരുന്നത്^പച്ചക്കറിയും പലവ്യഞ്ജനവും നിറഞ്ഞിരിക്കും.സ്മിതയും അധ്യാപികയായിരുന്നു. കുടുംബത്തിന്റെ ഉത്തരവാദിത്തങ്ങളും ട്യൂഷന്‍ തിരക്കുകളും അവളുടെ ഒഴിവു സമയം അപഹരിച്ചു. എങ്കിലും ഓണം മാത്രം അവള്‍ മറന്നില്ല. ആ കുടുസു മുറിയില്‍ ഞങ്ങള്‍ പത്തിരുപതുപേര്‍ക്കായി കരുതിയ ഇലയില്‍ വിളമ്പിയ ഓലന്റെയും പുളീഞ്ചിയുടെയും രുചി നാട്ടിലുണ്ട ഒരു സദ്യയിലും ഞങ്ങള്‍ അനുഭവിച്ചിട്ടില്ല.